I have contemplated a long time about posting this and I still may end up deleting it. I’d like to note that I’m not suicidal, and I’d never do anything to hurt myself. Writing helps my mind ease, even if the words coming to paper are dark & sometimes discerning. I’m currently in a good place and did not write this today.
I thought I’d share this because it’s a piece of me and who I am. I’m human and still have my ups and various downs and I’m doing everything I can to continue to better myself. I hope by reading this you’ll get something out of it.
the feeling of her incorruptibility on my cheek
I’m only feet away from friends but I’m drowning in my own paroxysm.
No one knows i’m sitting here stabbing my myself, letting my thoughts twist and pull inside my own wounds.
I bet she doesn’t even know she’s the only thought my mind brings to a field to dance around.
that my first waking thought is her; her touch, her eyes, her voice. The smell of her hair on my pillow. The feeling of her incorruptibility on my cheek.
Time has passed but these wounds are more exposed than they ever have been.
I don’t want to live with this pain, this regret.
Is life honestly worth carrying on knowing you lost the greatest gift you’ve ever been given.
Knowing you’ve hurt something that meant more to you than your own life.
How do you begin to pick yourself up and move forward knowing how bad you’ve made her feel.
Someone who bonded with not only your heart but your soul.
Someone who you knew you’d trade everything in your possession just to keep around. Just to feel her touch. Just to hear her voice. Only to let your memories replay something so simple to drown out the sorrows for nothing more than a second of comfort and bethought.
How do you forgive yourself for losing someone who was making you a better person. Someone who made you want to rebuild every section of your secured walls. Someone who gave “beautiful” a new, unfeigned meaning. Soeone who you completely took for granted but you knew they were the reason your heart was still beating.
I’ll never let this down. These wounds will never fully heal. The hole created will always tower over my inviolable defensive walls.
I’m fighting myself and it’s a never-ending battle. The amount of heartbreak that feeds on unknown lamentations from the depths of my decisions. Hiding in darkness no longer brings closure and my nightmare comes to life with zealous rage.
Walls can only hold so much before fear and perseverance overcomes security. I’ve been disclosed and my pain exuberates over my fortified sanctuary. My panic room has been breached as my mind caves in around me. At this point I’m living in a circle and can’t find an empty road. Every path is filled with the same mindless conception of bliss.