Going through what I have this year has easily been the most character defining time(s) in my life. I’ve shaped and molded myself so much from the old remains of who I had become. Although there has been so many unanswered questions, confusion, hate, anger, depression, regret, and every other emotion you could possibly think of, it’s beyond humbling at the same time. Sometimes I have to literally stop myself in my tracks and stand back and admire things around me. Admire the friends and family I’ve made. Admire the things I’m able to do in life that a lot of people can’t. Admiring the beauty in daily interactions with strangers and seeing a smile light up on someone’s face.
Admiring the beauty alluring in the darkness and the discomfort that staring at a(metaphorical) wall brings.
Think about that statement for a second. Who likes to be stuck somewhere they can’t see the path ahead? Or who likes to run into a wall that at a glance they don’t see a way around?
The last few months have taught me to not be afraid of the dark; Don’t be afraid to wander around and stumble around in an area void of light. Embrace the cold, quiet nothing the darkness brings. The dull, bland emptiness of the unknown that is surrounding. These things almost excite me and frighten me at the same time.. knowing I’ve hit a stop and I don’t know what to do next. I’ve said this before, that I’m the type of person that will jump in and teach myself to swim. This applies more so than ever thanks to all the emotional and mindset development recently. I can’t help but think about the massive characteristic changes I’ve gone through in the last few months. I assure you I’m not half the guy I was last year.
Notice the word choice here.. guy – not man. I can’t call the person I used to be a man as he wasn’t worthy of that title.
Finding myself standing in a dark room not able to see just tells me I’m on the edge of a solution. I’m about to find a door, or a way to light the path around me. That’s beautiful to me; To know I’ve hit my limit and something is about to give. It could very well turn negative, but I know there’s still going to be a breakthrough. There’s still going to come a stronger shell out of that negative break.
Can’t see where you are? Afraid of what the future may hold because you don’t feel like you have an answer? You may not see anything now, but I promise you a light will present itself to you. You challenge yourself hard enough and you’ll come up with a solution or one will be presented to you.
Don’t let the darkness have too much power over you. Don’t get me wrong, you’ll still catch me in off moods – we’re human. Perfection wouldn’t be fun nor logical for us. But the battle, the strengthening, and idiosyncratic tendencies we have are where the true beauty comes. It blows my mind to see people change, to see them overcome things they are dealing with. I know the joy it brings me to defeat something holding me back and I love standing right next to others as they push through their boundaries.
Talk nerdy to me.
The nerd in me relates this to a strength bar in a game in the sense that overcoming something makes your overall strength bar increase and fill up. So instead of being at 100%, when you find a solution to one of your problems it now sits full at 110%. Our battles we go through deplete that bar, but don’t give up now – you’re still overall at 110%. Your bar needs to be charged. Keep pushing forward and looking ahead and that bar will begin to fill back up. Another wall you just tore down? Guess what? You’re now at 120%. Keep going.
Too much negative is emphasized on darkness. Mentally it’s never a good place to dwell but it’s part of the process. It really isn’t a bad place at all once you get out of that ethos.
Until next week, keep your head high. Darkness does not mean defeat.
I like the darkness.
There’s something to the feeling of not knowing your surroundings, not seeing the color of things as they appear, but as they truly are. There’s something about the unknown, the quiet, the cold. There’s something unspoken about the dark, something I can never quite put the words to. Something terrifying yet beautiful.